The Irony of Moving Forward

I went to the Ophthalmologist yesterday to assess my bulging eyeball.  Why is my eyeball bulging?  Well, I have Graves’ disease-an autoimmune disorder found in hyperthyroid patients.  I don’t have a thyroid anymore, but the autoimmune disorder still exists.  The biggest symptom of Graves’ disease is the eye bulging, occurring due to swelling of the muscles holding the eyeball.  The inflammation can cause constriction of the optic nerve, causing loss of sight if not treated.

The good news, my vision is 20/20!  Beautiful sight!  HOWEVER…my eyes are under attack.  My vision is impaired at every angle but straight ahead, due to the swelling of muscles, and constriction of nerves.  There are no corrective measures that can be taken until my condition worsens.

This is one of those “listen to your body” moments.  My body is literally telling me to not look back.  Do not look to the heavens, or down at your feet.  Do not look beside you, to see who may be there.  Keep looking forward.  Keep moving forward.  If I must look above or behind, I must turn my full self to see it.  I must pay full attention, face head-on the life around me.  I can’t think of a better way to be fully present.

I hear you, my beautiful body.  Thank you for working so hard.

The Day I Reached the Bottom of the World

April 15, 2018

The cancer inside of me has been a resident of my body for over 7 years, quietly raging war….until 2016.  I suddenly found my physical and mental state destroyed by dark forces I couldn’t recognize as part of myself.  I would spend another year and a half, reaching lower lows,  while disease became my voice, my conscience, and the puppeteer of my body.

These early journal entries become sparse as time passed, but these early entries validate what I didn’t yet know, and what doctors would continue to overlook.

February 20, 2016

My soul is screaming, I hear it, and there is some other power that has hold of me.  It is a darkness, while always fascinating, terrifying and never something I would logically explore.  Have I been so denying of the dark, I don’t recognize it as my own?

I have never let go or given in to the dark.  I have never just let it all out, whether it be screaming, breaking things, etc.  I have always have chosen to divert that energy to positives.  I find myself at a place now that the positives seem out of reach. I can see reason, but am powerless to attain it.

Today, I see this reality as an option, not a given.  I can allow myself to be swallowed by death, or I can choose to emerge. Find the drive that has always been there.  The one that has driven me to make some the most difficult yet instrumental changes in my life thus far.  More importantly, learn to embrace the dark.  Recognize it.  Keep it close, and be responsible with it.

I am pure love.  I am a conduit for the white light.  I’ve got this.

 

February 21, 2016

I am seemingly happier.  It is cloudy and fuzzy.  I still lack focus and have delayed fine motor skills.  I find myself getting anxious about the boys coming home.  I have to stay strong and dig deep.  I need my soul to take over.  Please, take over.

February 23, not 22, 2016

Apparently, I missed a whole day somewhere.  Letting it go.  I am coming back from this.  I’ve got this.  I love life.  I love everything that comes with it.  I can’t wait to move forward from this place.  I have everything I could want in life and more.

It’s not my time, I’m not going.  I am moving forward from this, doing what needs to be done to get better.

February 25, not 24, 2016

Again, a day behind.  I am clearer, less fuzzy, and want to listen to music.  All good stuff.  Still feeling out of control of my impulsive decisions.  I seem to think western medicine is necessary, but the spiritual part of this, which I suspect is the biggest piece is yet to be explored.  I have fear here, but I am ready to face it.  Ready.  Ready Ready.

I call upon my soul, my spirit guides, guardian angels.  Please help me find the way.  Help me find the way out of this.  What is my direction, where I am meant to go?  Here is where I need to be now.  No doubt.

 

 

 

 

This is Great News!

March 23,  2018

2nd Scan Results

 

The good news:  Your cancer is smaller and there are increased areas of concern.  You’ve come a long way, and so we are going to say this is great news!

What?!

No part of me found the news today good.  There is still cancer inside of my body.  I still feel like shit.  I don’t even want to talk to anyone about it, because, I can’t see the positive today.  What is the positive in having a cancer diagnosis?  That you may get rid of it?  My family and I get to live a “normal” life when and if this is all over?

This illness has wrecked my identity and my life.  It has stolen years, and time.  Maybe in hindsight, I will feel differently, now I am just mad.  I am mad that my body is sick.  A body that is working so hard for me, trying so hard to push through.

It is hard to look at my kids today.  I feel like I am failing them.  My wife has been at the bar for the last six hours because that’s all she could think to do to deal with herself at this moment.  I am failing her too.  We are all scared and running when I think we need to stand up and stand our ground together.